When Not to Watch the Walking Dead?

It is always okay to watch the Walking Dead.

It is okay, even if I am alone, shrieking with myself when the zombie/walkers/biters/herd attack. It is okay to while eating lunch and snacks with the gory and bloody encounters. It is even okay to watch it while playing with my toddler. I’ve done that all.

Yet, that is is just for me.

Because the horror is not from the zombies, not the dead. It is from those surviving and the dilemma they have in lieu with their lives. It is the frightening nightmare that haunts me even when dreaming, my only escape from this unreliable reality.

But there is one case when watching the Walking Dead could be far real than the dilemmas in zombie apocalypse. And I should have realized that earlier.

I have a father who is half dead with the other half hanging for life. And it hit me just this morning. The morning after I finished every available episode of the series. I got a call from my sister, telling me to go the hospital. My Dad had a seizure. My dad had survived his 4th stroke leaving him paralyzed, and this seizure, recorded as his 6th stroke, could leave him more immobile, with a few more movements from the further seizures to follow.

That would be very painful to him. Very painful to me, to our family.

I assisted him in the CT-Scan room and he wouldn’t stop jerking, turning his head, swinging his arm. I talked to him that it would only take five minutes. He raised his hand. I held it. He tried to put it on my nape, as if he was to whisper to me. I heard murmurs, but they were meaningless. Maybe he really wanted to tell me something, but this Aphasia wan’t letting him. The doctor, my cousin told me that my dad wasn’t himself. And that made sense when my dad pull me closer to his face, with his mouth open, that i could smell his breath, that i wouldn’t dare to describe.

The thought that came that moment would be or could be funny, but I couldn’t make a laugh out of it. I thought my dad has turned into a walker, and he would devour me. Yes that is too much of Walking Dead, but him turning would have made him dead. And that is the real scary thought. How can i joke about him turning into one when that joke would imply us losing him. I just couldn’t. I can’t. And i don’t know why.

Walking Dead shouldn’t be watched when you are near the existential question: What is this life all about? Why do we have to live when in the end, we’re all gonna die? Why keep fighting, when in reality, dying is the most practical thing to do? Why pull of ’till tomorrow what you can do today?

I don’t have the answer to that.

I don’t want to answer that.

As the year opened, I’ve visited two wakes, one is for my good friend’s dad, the other, for a co-worker. This weekend, we are to visit a former classmate who succumbed to Fungal Meningitis. Three deaths, and i prayed of no one close to follow. Because that wouldn’t be okay.

The Happier Thought

“Ano kaya tayo kung wala itong dalawang ‘to?” Hasmin asked me referring to our two sleeping boys, Kuya Euan and Miguel two nights ago.

Without batting an eyelash, I answered, “Mas masaya.” And i am telling you, these lashes are long and dark and sexy, and these two boys got them lashes from their papa. But that is beside the point. The point is, I wasn’t lying. That was my first thing in mind, the brain to mouth action that at i have to defend, else, i’ll just say, “I am Abet, of course, that’s a joke.”

However, it was not. I do believe that Hasmin and I would be happier if that “what if” were today’s reality. And I should defend it not to anybody but to myself. Why could i have instinctively given that conclusion?

One would be my being a Sagitarrian. I am a free spirit, and as of the moment, these two kids are keeping me trapped. Not their fault, but as my my decision. Not because I want to be a good father, but because i want them to be good people someday. And it bores me to think of other people and not of myself. Yes i am selfish.

Sagittarian = Selfish.

Second, being a parent was never really in my dreams. I never had lots of dreams either. It is actually safe to say that unlike the some people in Les Miserables, the song “I Dreamed A Dream,” does not fit me. I am more of an “On My Own” guy, or person to be gender sensitive. I never had a dream. Things fall down into places for me. I don’t know if they are in the right places though, but they fall in places, wherever those locations are. However, not having a dream does not mean not having ideas of things that i don’t want to be. Like I don’t want to be a pilot. I mean that would be great, but it just did not fly into my mind. Maybe because not having a dream means not having a plan. Plans change, as of my experiences and it is frustrating. I just adapt and i am very good in doing so. But not planning. However, these two boys are requiring me to have that plan.

Dreams = Plan ≠ Like.

Third, for it should come in threes, sour graping is not my thing. Sour graping is a joke, my kind of joke, along with sarcasm and blasphemy. Just like when asked if it was okay for a groom to agree to have a gorgeous hunk strip off his clothes on his bride’s bridal shower. That that guy would be compared to him, his looks, his abs, his package, entire package. And i said, “Okay lang. Yang mga lalaking ganyan ang itsura, walang kinabukasan. Kaya nga sila kolboy.” That was a joke, a hasty generalization of the inggitero that i am. But reality is, sour graping is for losers whose lines are “nanalo nga sila pero nandaya naman,” “maganda nga, masama naman ang ugali,” and “sila na nga, pero maghihiwalay rin ‘yan.”

Contrary, my case now made me no loser. I feel so much blessed with these little monsters. They made me believe that a smile can really ease all the worries in the world and a hug can erase any self doubts in this crazy planet even for a moment. I am not saying that i am no, no loser. I win some, i lose some. I have had both, but whatever, i have my prize now. Two major prizes waiting for me every time i come home.

Yes, I could be travelling the world, or South East Asia to be more believable. I could be buying on spendthrift stores and  first hand shops. I could be hugging and snuggling and having great trucks with Hasmin in her never been pregnant shape in an IwanTV manner, which is Anytime, Anywhere. That would be happier, a so much happier thought. But i am happy right now. And that is enough. See, I am selfish. But i am not greedy.

Sagittarian = Selfish ≠ Greedy.

Hasmin. Miguel, Euan and Daddy

Para Hindi Sila Malimutan

Matagal din nilang hinintay ang isa’t-isa

Mapalad ang mga bata ngayon at madali nang nahahanap ang pangalan ng kanilang mga pinagmulan dahil na rin sa makabagong teknolohiya na sinabayan ng mapagmalaking kultura kung saan mula pagsilang hanggang paglibing ay naitatala at naibabahagi na sa lahat. May kayabangan man. May magaganda ring dulot. Madaling mababalikan at makikilala ng mga bata ngayon ang mga nakaraang kung sa panahon natin ay kinatandaan, ngunit hindi natandaan.

Para sa inyo, Euan at Miguel, iyan sina Lola Henya, Eugenia Fulgencio Cruz, ang isa sa dalawang lola ninyong nakilala ko. Ang isa sa dalawang lola ninyong naabutan ko. Si Lolo Alberto S. Cruz naman ay hindi ko na naabutan. Kahit ang tatay ko ay hindi nakilala ang kanyang tatay, at maraming bagay ang maipapaliwanag nun tungkol sa akin. Pero para sa mga bata, lalo sa iyo Miguel, ikaw ay pinangalan sa iyong Lolo Alberto, kung kanino hinugot din ang aking pangalan. Kung ahhanapin ninyo sila pagdatingng panahon, ang mga lolo at lola ninyo sa tuhod sa bahagi ng aking tatay ay magkasamang nakahimlay sa Aglipay Cemetery sa Marikina.

Minabuti ko na ring dalhin si Euan dito sa sementeryong ito upang maranasan niya ang kanyang unang Undas. Nag-aaral na siya at marahil ay pagkwentuhan nila ang mga nangyari nitong bakasyon. May maibabahagi na siya sa kanyang mga kaklase. Paunti, pinakilala ko siya sa kanyang mga ninuno, kahit hindi naman niya iyun naiintindihan. Apat na taon lang si Euan. Madalas ay nakakalimutan ko iyun, at paminsan na lang naaalala tulad nung isang gabi, nung maihi siya sa kama. Bata pa nga pala ang panganay ko.

Unang Undas ni Euan

Mag-isang bumisita

Umasa ako na may mga aabutan kaming kamag-anak sa puntod, tulad noong nakaraang taon nung pumunta kami ni Hasmin. May mga tao sa puntod, nginitian ko, pagpupugay sa mga kamag-anak, pero humingi sila nang paumanhin at pinalabas ang mga bata sa loob. Mga kapit bahay lang pala iyun. Wala kaming kapamilyang buhay sa lugar. May dumaan naman dahil may nag-iwan ng bulaklak at kandila. Pero walang nagpagabi. Nakakahiya dahil wala rin akong dalang kandila at bulaklak. Nakalimutan ko rin na matanda na ako at may responsibilidad na ako sa mga pumanaw. Sa susunod na taon, magdadala na rin ako.

Aglipay Cemetery sa Marikina.

Pero hanggang sa dalawang ninunong ito na lang ang aking kilala. Nakalimutan kong itago ang nakita kong dokumento tungkol sa mga magulang ng mga lolo at lola kong ito. Ang natatandaan ko lang na apelyido ay Mejia. May dugong Mejia tayo. At kung tama ang pagkakaalala ko, Santiago din. Mga lolo at lola ko sa tuhod sa bahagi ni Lola Henya. Gagawa ako nang paraan na mahanap ulit ang mga pangalang ito.

Ang Lola Henya at ang Mama, ang panganay sa kanyang apat na magkakapatid.

Sa bahagi naman inyong Lola Kulot, ang nanay ko, mapalad akong inabutang buhay ang mag-asawa, si Lola Piding o Lola Fidela Cruz Bautista ang aking tanging nakilala. SI Lolo Manuel Bautista ninyo, ang natatandaan ko lang ay inihahakbang ako sa kanyang himlayan noong araw ng kanyang libing. Magkasama na ngayon ang mag-asawa sa South Cemetery.

Hanggang doon lang ang alam ko. Sayang at hindi akonakapagtanong dahil maraming kwentong kaakibat ang mga pangalang iyon. Mga kwentong kahit papaano ay may kinalaman sa katayuan ko ngayon. Pero hindi pa naman huli ang lahat. mahahanap at mahahanap ko rin ang mga pangalan at mga kwentong iyan.

Sana ang Undas ay maging pagkakataon para makilala ng bagong henerasyon ang ilang dekada, kung hindi man dantaon ng kasaysayan, hindi mula si mga aklat kundi sa mga pangalang bahagi ng kanilang katauhan.

Isang Buwan

A Month Old Bebe Boy

Nakabalik na ang buwan sa itsura nito noong unang masilayan ng mundo si Miguel at ni Miguel ang mundo. Happy 1st month sa Earth, Alberto Miguel Cruz.

watcha lookin at bitch?

Pero dahil hindi pa naman niya naiintindihan ang mga bagay-bagay na nagaganap sa paligid niya. Puro iyak, lang siya kasabay ng daily routine niya nang TGDT, which is Tulog Gising Dede Tae, ipagdiwang natin ang isang buwang tagumpay sa mga tao sa paligid niya.

Una na syempre sa akin! Of course, magpapahuli ba ako? Hehe, masasabi ring mas maaga ako nakapagpatulog ng baby ngayon at effective pa rin ang Through the Fire, Alone at Bukas na Lang Kita Mamahalin Repertoire sa pagpapatulog ng baby.

Urbandaddy at work. Dedma na sa basura sa upper right corner, best si Miguel sa pic na ito.

 

One month na rin si Euan. One month na siyang Kuya. Kaya naman isang malaking congratulations kay Kuya Euan, your a month old Kuya na. Just keep on shouting “Miguel, huwag ka nang umiyak!” After some years, kayo na ni Miguel ang magkatabi sa pagtulog at ikaw na ang magiging boss niya.

Ayan, may gift pa sa iyo si Miguel. Nerf, though hindi ko nabasa na for 6 years old angbaril na ito, kaya naman hirap na hirap ka ikasa. Umpisa na ito ng battle for fairness, kapag meron si Miguel, meron ka din. Kung wala, start na nang sharing. Which is so much better.

More on Euan and I, Euan started calling me Daddy. Nag-deviate na siya sa nakagisnan niyang tawag na Papa, and he is very consistent, like Daddy, nandito si Lola, kakausapin ka.” To “Daddy, tapos na akong tumae!” Pero gusto ko ang Daddy ha. Anlakas maka-middle class. Alam naman na pinagsasaluhan na mga class A at E ang Papa bilang tawag sa kanilang Ama, pero ayon naman kay Karen, more of tinatawag na Ama ang mga tatay na mayayaman.

And there, on Euan and I, let’s celebrate the Daddy and Son bonding dahil napapadalas ang lakad natin at nagsisimula na akong maging Abet minus Hasmin plus Euan na. So Abet plus one pa rin. May mga event this month na kailangan namin ni Euan na lumabas na kaming dalawa lang, like the School Field Trip and the Happy Jollibee Birthday Party kay Erin.

Euan sa Science Discovery Museum in the Mall Of Asia, ang gwapo no?! pwede Going Bulilit Kid!

Euan and Daddy sa Jollibee Birthday Party ni Erin.

 

Sa lola mommy, isang malaking congratulations din sa pagiging Hands On Lola sa isang baby. Dahil ngayon na ulit ang opportunity ninyo sa paghawak ng baby, ibinigay talaga ninyo ang inyong best. And we are thankful. And this extends to the Tito and Tita and Lolo Daddy and to the Super Lola.

And it is Kare-kare for breakfast

And the Super of course. Sa Mothership, Mama Hush, Happy One Month of todo hands on parenting. Masasabi ring napupuyat ka rin talaga gabi-gabi, at alam ko yun, dahil ako rin, pero tinutulugan lang kita. Wala naman akong magagawa. Nasa iyo ang dedeng may gatas, itong sa akin, wala e. Sorry. Though other than your parenting skills, this is your first month of freedom from the immobile state. Congratulations sa pagiging isang Ina, another.

Some Three Months Ago lang ito

The Between the Lines

I was about to post a status sa twitter, bilang alam naman nating ang twitter ang bagsakan ng mga emosyon nowadays, in line with facebook status and friendster shoutout at ganun na rin sa http://www.cge.tv, maisama lang. The status would have been this.

“Credit card due date, @BDO_DeditCard website under maintenance. have to withdraw 50K sa ATM to pay in cash. Ambigat sa loob kapag cash.”

Ang abalang pag-aayos ng site.

And then i remember the simple posts on FB at kung gaano kayabang ang ibig sabihin nito. I can’t find the meme, pero parang ganito yung sense. Kumabaga Tutorial ng pagyayabang.

Basic is…

“I’m gonna miss Boracay…”

Pero mas mayabang ang…

“It was so much better in Boracay the second time around…”

Pero ang pinakamayabang…

“Boracay would rank third for me, next to Amanpulo and the Caribbean…”

 

So what would my would have been status say/imply?

1. Mataas ang credit limit ko, which means i am rich?!

2. Marami akong pera sa bangko, at kaya kong abutin ang maximum limit ng withdrawal sa ATM sa isang transaction or limang transaction dahil 10K lang maximum withdrawal sa isang transaction. Which means i am rich?!

But what does that not say?

1. Na hindi pa bayad ang buong bill ko for this month dahil yung fifty na iyun ay partial payment lang. I just have to pay that huge amount  ayokong madagdagan ng 3.5 percent interest aking sangkautangan. Which could still mean na malaki pa rin ang credit limit ko, and i am rich?!

2. Na wala na akong pera hanggang sa next sweldo dahil sagad na ang savings ko sa BDO, At masasagad pa ulit next time dahil sa medyo dahil hindi pa pumapasok sa due date na ito ang second wave ng super gastos ko for the third quarter of this fucking year.

So i decided to make this entry rather than post a simple tweet that might be misread by the kidnappers and mga halang ang kaluluwa. Kawawa naman ang dalawang boylets ko kung sakali, dahil wala akong pantubos. Malapit-lapit na rin kasi ang election, at alam naman natin ang fund raising campaign ng ilang politiko. Mabuti na yung maliwanag.